just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
