Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
