i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize