Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
