i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
