Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
