Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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