Ambien. No doubt about it.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
