Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
