my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize