girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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