i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
