Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Too much gin, very little bucket
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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