I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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