the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
