Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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