Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
