Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
