were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize