you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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