I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Buhtt sex?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
