Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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