i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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