theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
