I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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