everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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