The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize