how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
