They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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