Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
