it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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