Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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