the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
