I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
