Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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