I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize