I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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