i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
