My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
