Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
