They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize