Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Shame is for Republicans.
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