you have to choose: penises or morals?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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