it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
