so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
