i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
