i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
