if only i could text you this smell
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
