Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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