When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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