this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize