my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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