If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Randomize
