Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
