Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
