omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
