i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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