genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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