your parents love me but you hate me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
