I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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