one two three fourrrrnication!
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
