I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
