I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
