just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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