remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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