what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just gift wrapped bread.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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