I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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