yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
