Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
