Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
