My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
