take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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