Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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