Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
