I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
