my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
