just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
